


BaumanVision

by tumsfestival (orphan_account)



Category: Gorilla Interrupted (2003), Plinkett Reviews, RedLetterMedia RPF, Space Cop (2016), WandaVision (TV), half in the bag - Fandom, nerd crew
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Mind Control, References to real people but nothing too personal and nothing sexual, Spoiler for Star Trek TOS episode 2x14, Spoiler for Star Trek TOS episode 2x24, Spoiler for Star Trek TOS episode 2x3, Spoiler for Star Trek TOS episode 2x8, Spoilers for WandaVision finale, Witchcraft, spooky stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:09:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29891286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/tumsfestival
Summary: Jay finds himself in bizarre settings, which keep changing, and he’s not entirely sure if he’s even acting under his own free will. (A reality-bending fic, based loosely on a WandaVision-like premise, set in the RedLetterMedia cinematic universe.)
Kudos: 2





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> I literally wrote this in one sitting. Forgive me.

Jay opened his eyes. Everything was fuzzy, like it was being filmed on a VHS camera. He looked around and there was Mike, standing way too close to him, practically yelling in his face. Jay blinked, disoriented.

Even though Mike was yelling, the sound was still somewhat muffled, as if the aforementioned VHS camera had nothing but a shitty onboard microphone. Was that why Mike was so close to him, and yelling? He didn't actually seem mad. He seemed kind of sick, actually, and weirdly... English? Wait, why was he talking like that?

Mike suddenly waved his hands in Jay's face as if to snap him out of a trance, shouting, "Oi, nerd! Have you 'eard a bloody word I been soyin'?"

Jesus, what a terrible accent, thought Jay, and why was Mike's hair green?

Mike looked like he was about to yell something else in his face when suddenly the door of the dingy kitchen they were standing in flew open. A man in a gorilla suit burst in and started knocking things over randomly, falling down as he did so, and boobishly knocking more things down every time he tried to stand up.

"Bloddy 'ell, a facking gorilla!" yelled Mike, his terrible accent grating on Jay's eardrums painfully.

Wait a minute, Mike didn't actually think that was a real gorilla, did he? It was very clearly just some guy in a cheap gorilla suit. This was all just... too weird. Mike was now chasing the gorilla-man in tight circles around the kitchen. There was the entire rest of the house, but for some reason they were both staying in the very tight field of view that was Jay's vision, which - again - made everything look exactly like video shot by a vintage camcorder.

Jay blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes as if that could somehow not only make the VHS effect go away, but also make all the crazy shit that he was witnessing also subside. When he opened his eyes again, the effect was still strong, and the madness had only increased. The tables had turned, and now Mike was the one being chased around by the gorilla.

"Stop it!" shouted Jay, "Stop it! Stop it!"

They both stopped and turned to face him.

"Stop it," he continued, unsure of what else to say. "Stop it," he said again, even though they had already stopped and were now both staring at him. "Stop it," he said again, weakly.

Mike moved towards him, looking angry and pointing an accusatory finger in his face. "No, mate, YOU stop it," he said.

"What?" asked Jay.

Mike got even closer to him. Jay realized he looked surprised... or maybe scared?

Mike dropped the accent and spoke in a lower voice. "No YOU stop it," he said deliberately, with a quiet intensity that kind of scared Jay.

Over Mike's shoulder, Jay saw that the gorilla-man was still standing on the same spot where he froze, staring at Jay. He reached up to his neck and began pulling the gorilla head off his costume, but before he could reveal his face, Jay became extremely dizzy and passed out.


	2. Part Two

A deep, muffled, and semi-inebriated-sounding voice with an exaggerated Midwestern accent announced, "Paaart Twooo..." and then launched into a mumbling screed.

Jay was suddenly aware of his own thoughts. Where the fuck was that voice coming from? Part two of what? How long had he been listening to this droning, monotonous voice? What was it going on about? 

Jay couldn't see anything, but when he strained his ears he could hear that the deep muffled voice was rambling about Star Trek, or possibly Star Wars. Maybe both. The voice was creepy and ugly, but it had an oddly soothing quality to it. It was almost sort of rhythmic, a unique metre punctuated occasionally with the type of low-res sound effects that were popular on Web 1.0 flash soundboards - the clattering of glass, the occasional screech of a cat.

As Jay listened to the droning, his eyes began to adjust to the darkness around him. After a while he could see, somewhat, but everything was grainy like an old 360p video from the late 2000s. He realized he was in a basement, and he was tied to a chair, his hands bound.

"HELP! HEEELLLLP!!" he yelled.

"Fuck off, ghost!" yelled the voice from above. It sounded like it was coming from above, from the main part of the house. The voice then jumped right back into its Star Trek rant.

A ghost? thought Jay. Was this man insane? He has a man tied up in his basement, but he thinks that the yelling is coming from a ghost? What a fucking lunatic. Besides, what kind of grown man actually believes in ghosts? How embarrassing...

Jay writhed in his chair, trying to free his hands, but it was no use. His eyes searched the ground around him for something that could be used to escape or call for help, but all he saw was random items of crappy movie merchandise: a Titanic soda cup, an unnecessarily large Jar-Jar figure, a DVD of the film Cop Dog. None of these items would be of any use to Jay... or anyone, for that matter. 

He also noticed something else terrifying on the ground: bones. Dozens and dozens of bones. Were they human bones? He realized he didn't want to know. All he knew was that a few of them looked pretty sharp. If he could somehow pick one up, he could maybe use it to cut the ropes that kept him there. He leaned his chair as carefully has he could, trying to use some free part of his body to pick up a bone. He shifted the chair one way, trying to get his knees close enough to the floor to pick up a bone between them. When that didn't work, he twisted around and tried to lean the chair the other way. Maybe he could use his elbow to-- Oh no!

He lost balance and the chair fell over. He noticed that when he fell, even though he hit no glass, he heard the exact same clattering glass sound effect as he'd heard above. How odd. What was even more odd was that the voice upstairs seemed to have stopped.

"Hold on," it started again, "I gatta go deal with somethin' in my basement." Who was the voice talking to?

Jay tensed up with fear as he heard footsteps loudly coming towards the basement, but they had such an oddly cartoony quality to them, he couldn't help but wonder if they were even real. Was someone fucking with him? He heard the weird cat sound effect again, and then an overly loud door-opening sound effect. Some light came in, illuminating the man at the top of the stairs. He sat on a rascal scooter, which was odd because where had the footsteps come from? He wasn't small, but he was smaller than Jay had expected based on the voice he heard. The man spoke.

"Be quiet down there," he said.

Another oddity... the voice was not high, but it was higher than it sounded before. The heavily inebriated quality of the voice was replaced by an affected surly quality. Was this a completely different person, doing the same voice? What the hell was happening?

The man at the top of the basement stairs was looking down at him, almost completely silhouetted. What little of his face could be seen was obscured by glasses and a hat. Somehow Jay felt like the man could read his thoughts, that he knew he was onto him.

Jay passed out again. He wasn't sure if it was from the pain, or the fear, or maybe the fumes of the fast kill, low irritant RAID spray in the basement. He wasn't sure of anything, because he was passed the fuck out.


	3. Part Three

A relaxing piano riff sounded. Jay realized he was back upright in his chair. Furthermore, he was no longer bound to the chair, nor was he in a basement. It wasn't dark anymore either. The lighting was surprisingly adept, actually. Much better than the dirty kitchen he was in before with the gorilla-man.

What the hell was that anyway? And the basement? Was that even real? Did he hallucinate all that? He must have, because he now found himself relaxing on a chair in front of a TV, sipping a Spotted Cow next to a tall stack of broken VCR's. His eyes could see clearly now, no longer plagued by grainy darkness or that weird VHS cam effect. Everything just looked normal. Well, kind of normal. As normal as a three-camera sitcom, with cheap, flimsy sets and only three walls. Jay pushed those thoughts from his mind though. Sure, the room was extremely messy - littered with empty beer bottles and broken vintage electronics - but it was highly preferable to being held captive in a terrifying basement, so he just decided to accept this as his reality. After all, his best friend Mike was right there by his side again... and his hair wasn't even green this time!

"That's right, Jay!" said Mike, sounding cheerful in an over the top way.

What was Mike even responding to? Had Jay said something out loud without realizing it? But the relief of hearing Mike talk without a weird fake English accent convinced Jay to just roll with it. Why question a perfectly pleasant reality? It's not as if the alternatives were preferable.

He crossed his legs comfortably in his chair, leaning back somewhat. He sipped his beer. Everything just felt right... almost right. He felt strangely compelled to ask Mike if he'd watched anything good on TV recently. Every time he tried to focus on something else, the urge to ask Mike that question overpowered every part of his being to the point where he started to doubt his own free will. He lifted the brown glass bottle in his hand to take a sip, but as soon as he parted his lips words came out.

"So, Mike," he said, in a voice so chipper it surprised him, "seen anything good on streaming lately?"

Did he mean to ask Mike that question? He must have... it wasn't a weird question to ask. It was a pretty normal thing to say. He must have asked him that on purpose, and since he did, he felt able to take a sip of his drink and relax again. Yeah... he must have been doing this of his own free will. Why else did he feel so relaxed? Why else was his voice so chipper? He's just having a good time, talking about TV shows with his friend, that's all. Nothing weird.

"You bet I have, Jay!" replied Mike, nodding his head exaggeratedly. "I've been watching MARVEL CONTENT on DISNEY PLUS!" His words dripped thick with a mocking tone.

Jay continued setting Mike up to talk about Wanda Vision. Wait, no-- Jay continued talking casually and organically with his friend. Was that what was going on? They both sounded fairly sarcastic. They must be doing a bit. Yeah, that's what this all is... a bit. A joke. Jay continued talking to Mike, doing their bit, unsure of how he knew what to say, but saying it all anyway.

After a few moments of confusion mixed with brief clarity, Jay once again re-convinced himself that he was just casually talking to his friend Mike. Of his own free will. Fully in control of his words and actions. Nothing weird going on here at all.

Mike began to give a full synopsis of Wanda Vision, but he wasn't facing Jay. He was facing the non-existent fourth wall of the sitcom-like living room set they were in. Jay blinked. No, wait, he was confused. What he meant by set was… TV set.

That’s right... Mike was facing the TV set that both their chairs faced. That's why he wasn’t facing Jay while he soliloquized about the synopsis of Wanda Vision. A totally normal and casual conversation between friends. Nothing weird at all.

Jay felt himself relax deeply when Mike finished his preamble. The strange compulsions he felt to say and do specific things melted away for real, and now he really did get to just sit there sipping beer and talking to his friend about the show they watched.

The total mindfuck of feeling outside of his own control subsided, although he was still deluding himself into believing that's not what was going on. The conversation continued organically for about an hour, until they got to part two of the finale.

That's when Mike said the magic words that always made Jay's eyeballs instantly glaze over.

"It actually reminded me a lot of Star Trek," Mike said, giddily.

Here we go again...

Jay half-listened as Mike explained that as soon as he heard White Vision tell Vision "my programming directive is to destroy the Vision" he knew exactly where it was going. He explained that Captain Kirk had a history of fighting Artificial Intelligence, not with his typical double-ham-fist punches, but by simply talking them to death.

Jay looked into the camera when Mike said that, making a face to imply he was the one being talked to death.

Mike didn't seem to notice, going on to explain that Kirk would always find out what an AI-based opponent's ultimate programming directive was and then basically logic them into realizing they are the exact thing they are meant to destroy. For example, the AI space probe NOMAD was programmed to destroy anything that was imperfect. So all Captain Kirk had to do was debate NOMAD until it realized it was, itself, imperfect, and was therefore compelled to destroy itself.

"He did basically the same thing to the M-5 computer and the Mudd Androids," Mike explained, "and he talked a few other computers to death using other riddles. Once it was Spock, and he destroyed a computer that was possessed by Jack the Ripper's ghost, by making it recite every digit of pi infinitely until it died--"

Jay made another face at the camera, hopefully to convey to the audience how ludicrous this Star Trek episode sounded. Jay shook his head. Camera? Audience? He was just listening to his friend talk about Star Trek, as usual.

"--but with the Vision, it was the classic NOMAD scenario. I saw where it was headed right away. He said he was programmed to kill 'The Vision' so Vision had to convince him that he, himself, was 'The Vision' using the Ship of Theseus thought experiment."

"Right, the thing about the old ship," Jay responded, "If you replace the decaying planks in an old ship, is it still the same ship? What if you replace more than half of them? What if you replace all of them, over time, is it still the same ship?"

"Exactly, Jay," replied Mike, "and that also made me think of Star Trek, because it's like the transporter paradox. If the person who steps into the transporter disappears into thin air, and then all their atoms re-materialize--"

Jay tuned Mike out, as he'd done so many times when he sidetracked their conversation to Star Trek. The thing he said about Theseus, though... their discussion of taking the ship apart plank by plank. It jogged a memory in his mind. He looked around at the sitcom-like set around them. He had this weird memory of taking it apart, plank by plank, moving it, and putting it back together again. [Images of this happening flashed through his mind in time-lapse fast-motion.](https://youtu.be/DYLPWNEyxCY?t=51)

Mike continued talking, oblivious to Jay's disorientation. (Mike never really seemed to pay much attention to his reactions when he'd go off on his Star Trek tangents anyway) Meanwhile, Jay was continuing to become hyper-aware of the fact that they were on a set. None of this was real. An entire side of the room was missing, from which there were lights shining on them, as well as multiple cameras.

Jay squinted through the lights and realized there was a man standing behind one of the cameras, filming them, but his face was hidden by the equipment. Jay began to get very dizzy. The man behind the camera had noticed Jay looking at him, rather than at the camera, and he shifted, pointing the camera more directly onto Jay's face, zooming in on him.

Jay leaned forward to try and catch a glimpse of the man's face. For a moment he could almost make out a few features. He felt a faint glimmer of recognition, but then he instantly lost consciousness. 

He fell out of his chair, onto the piles of empty beer bottles all over the floor, the familiar clattering glass sound effect ringing out even though none of the bottles actually appeared to have broken.


	4. Part Four

Jay found himself on a bright, well-lit set. It was somehow cleaner yet also more cluttered than the previous room. The walls were sterile white, but they were covered - absolutely covered - in items of random Star Wars memorabilia and Marvel merchandise. Electric blue LED strips lined the curved table at which he sat. 

As he heard some chiptune intro music, he examined the table. There were three large microphones on the table, with a chair behind each one. The furthest chair was empty. 

His friend Mike was in the middle chair, and dear lord, what the fuck was he wearing? Fake "geek glasses" and a faux-distressed graphic tee with "STAR WARS: The Last Jedi" screen-printed on it. As Jay cataloged Mike's cringe-inducing ensemble, he became acutely aware that he, too, was wearing phony glasses and the same shirt. Worse, he realized he also had a flat-brimmed hat on, which is not something he would ever in a million years voluntarily choose to wear. He didn't even want to know what fanboy-ish logo was probably on it. 

Jay's chair and microphone were the furthest camera-right. He was fully aware of the camera in this scenario, "because it's diegetic," he thought, recalling an early vocab word from film school.

Mike was doing a bit again. It was a fake Disney Plus advertisement, every word dripping with mocking, his line delivery sounding more and more forced by the sentence.

Suddenly Jay was overcome with the familiar feeling of losing all free will. It was like torture. Suddenly he was doing a bit too, praising Disney and Marvel with obvious faux enthusiasm.

“VERY COOL,” he over-annunciated, nodding ridiculously.

He was released slightly from the grip of the forces controlling him as his lines finished, and Mike took the lead again. 

Jay couldn’t help but wonder if Mike was also being forced to act against his own free will. Were they both puppets in someone else’s game, or was Jay simply going crazy, experiencing delusions and hallucinations?

As soon as Mike got done sarcastically plugging Disney Plus, a high-pitched cackle rang out across the set. It was blood-curdling. Jay wanted to believe it was just another cheesy sound effect. They had been talking about Wanda Vision before, so maybe this whole Disney Plus thing was another Wanda Vision bit, complete with a soundbite of the iconic “Agatha All Along” cackle, but it was too crisp, too close, and it sounded too real.

He looked towards the monitor of the computer that all the mics were hooked up to, and the waveforms on the recordings were spiking into the red on all of their mics.

Jay realized that meant he wasn’t just hearing things. He looked across the table and found that the third chair was now filled by a laughing man in a tie-dyed Pacman shirt.

The impossibly loud cackling sound was coming from him.

Jay felt dizzy again, and sick, but the man smiled at him. He had a friendly face. Jay’s pain subsided. He understood, wordlessly, that if he continued to say his lines, the man would not hurt him. But if he stepped out of line, the mental torture would continue. 

Jay felt like a marionette as he launched into a fake promo for NerdBox, a box of extremely bootleg-looking “geek culture” merchandise. As he pulled stupid-looking toys out of the box one by one, the third man laughed louder and louder, overwhelming Jay’s eardrums as well as his morale and his willpower. Thankfully, his lines ended, and he could relax slightly -- for whatever that was worth -- as Mike again took up the helm.

Mike launched into a fake ad for DweebCrate, a service that was identical to Nerdbox, with even worse bootleg toys. As he spoke, he handed the crate over for the laughing man to unpack. He giggled and cackled through several items and then he started coughing when he opened the third item. It was an ancient container of Shrek tie-in “Blastin’ Green EZ Squirt” ketchup, relabeled with a fake Incredible Hulk label. The ketchup was over twenty years old and smelled like it had gone off at least ten years prior.

As the laughing man choked on rancid ketchup fumes, Jay felt the invisible shackles on his mind begin to weaken. He locked eyes with Mike whose face said everything Jay needed to know - that he was under the spell too, and that he had also just gained some semblance of agency in the last few seconds.

Without a word, they both shot up from the table and ran through the large warehouse as fast as they could. 

As they heard the coughing cease behind them, their minds became cloudy. It seems their captor had regained composure and was exerting control again.

Suddenly, Mike and Jay couldn’t remember where the exits were. Should they run to the room with the red couches, or the one with tan couches? Which one was the room that led to the exit?

They raced around randomly, lost, until they passed the Lightning Fast VCR office set. Of course! There was a door right behind the desk, they could leave through that door! Jay he bolted off towards it, but Mike yelled, “Jay, no, that door doesn’t lead outside!”

Jay realized he was right and felt stupid for a moment until he saw Mike jolt towards the “front door” of the Half in the Bag set, shouting, “This one does!”

Of course, it did not. Instead, the laughing man was behind the door, cackling.

“Rich!” yelled Mike, “Stop doing this to us!”


	5. Part Five

Rich! That's right, it was Rich!

Jay remembered him suddenly, as soon as Mike said the name.

That’s right, this was Rich Evans, their longtime best friend. Rich was the man in the gorilla costume. He was the Mr. Plinkett at the top of the basement steps - the one you see, not the one you hear. When they were filming their Half in the Bag review on WandaVision, Rich was the guy behind the camera that Jay could barely see. And just now, Rich had been the third man on Nerd Crew with the piercing laugh. 

Of course! It was all so obvious now! It was Rich Evans all along!

A piercing cackle broke Jay’s train of thought.

“I won’t stop!” said Rich.

“Why, Rich?” asked Jay, “Why are you doing this to us?”

“I think you both know exactly why.”

“Rich,” pleaded Mike, “we’ve been best friends as long as I can remember. What are you doing to us? Why?”

“YOU KNOW WHY,” bellowed Evans, “Mike, how many times have you made me throw myself down staircases in wheelchairs, or tumble barefoot down hills for you? You make me do so many takes, and what thanks do I get? You make fun of my tie dye Pacman shirt in front of everyone on the internet.” Rich turned and looked towards Jay, “And you, Jay… Does ‘Little Joey’ ring any bells? I mean, really, man? Making me wear baby clothes, well into my twenties? Making me wear a propeller beanie and ride around on a broken bouncy horse for your sex pervert indie moopies? I thought Mike was good at humiliating me on video, but you really broke new ground with that one, you hack fraud.”

“Rich, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you felt that way,” Jay said.

“Yeah, Rich. We love you! We keep making you do all these things because we want you in our movies!,” said Mike.

“You’re our favorite actor, man!” continued Jay.

“Yeah, why do you think we gave you the title role in Space Cop?”

“To watch me fall down and get hit in the groin?” Rich replied.

“Well,” Mike paused, “well yeah, but also because you have more star power than both of us combined.”

“You’re a great actor, Rich,” added Jay. “We love having you in our movies.”

“No one does boobery better than you,” said Mike, warmly.

Rich’s face softened, and he smiled. He reached out and hugged both of them. They all three stood there on the Half in the Bag set having a nice manly group hug for a few seconds before Rich Evans pulled back.

“I’m so glad you feel that way, fellas,” he said, “because from now on I am always going to be the star.”

Mike and Jay looked at him, taken aback slightly by his moderately ominous tone. They were still smiling, but not quite following.

“From now on I’m going to be the star,” he repeated, “and the cameraman, and the director. I’m even going to write all the dialogue and stage directions from now on too, because I CONTROL YOU BOTH! Mike, If I want you to ride a wheelchair down a spiral staircase in a clunky robot costume thirty times in a row until I get just the perfect take, that’s exactly what you’ll do. And Jay, if I want you to dress up like a giant baby and humiliate yourself on camera - guess what - that’s exactly what you will be doing!” Rich cackled defiantly.

“But how, Rich?” asked Jay.

“Yeah, how are you doing this to us?” asked Mike.

“I was going through some potential tapes for Wheel, and I found one that taught spells, incantations, and dark magic. So I stole it, and I watched it. Now, I’m a witch!”

Jay and Mike burst out laughing.

“What did you say? ‘Wich’?” asked Mike, through giggles.

“Did you just mispronounce your own name?” Jay laughed.

“Goddamnit you guys, I said WITCH! WITCH! I’m a WITCH!”

“OHHHHH SHIT!” yelled Jay.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???!!!!” yelled Mike.


	6. Part Six

“That’s right, I’m a powerful witch now. In fact, I’ve been controlling you both for several days.”

“That’s not possible!” said Jay, knowing deep down that it had to be possible. He'd wanted to believe he was just hallucinating, or maybe imagining all this weird shit happening over the past few days. He didn’t want to believe this type of dark witchcraft could even exist, let alone be used to control him.

Mike, however, ever the open-minded skeptic, took a different approach, “How does it work?”

“Ghosts,” replied Rich.

“Ghosts?!” repeated Mike, excitedly.

“Yes. Each time I change the scene and setting, I do an incantation. This awakens the spirits of the dead who then occupy the same molecular space as your bodies and your minds. From there, they take hold over your entire beings and control you like a puppet, both mentally and physically.”

“SO GHOSTS ARE REAL?!” Mike shouted. Despite having just been told he no longer has free will, he sounded happy as shit.

“Yes,” said Rich.

“I KNEW IT!!”

“Enough,” said Jay, “just let us go, Rich. We won’t make you be in our movies anymore. We’ll even let you direct the next one!”

“No, and stop interrupting me. The ghosts are real. I control them, they control you. Are we all up to speed?"

Rich forced Mike and Jay to nod their heads in unison, just to show them he was still in control.

"Good, I’ll continue then. The ghosts can also manipulate the environment, and even the way you perceive things. That’s why on the first day, everything looked like Gorilla. The next day, I chose Plinkett's basement as the setting. But conjuring entire settings like that takes a lot of extra ghost-magic."

Mike nodded along voluntarily, eager to hear more about ghost-magic. Jay shot him an annoyed look. Rich continued his villain monologue.

"That’s why for the last two days I’ve just been toying with you in this warehouse, saving up my magical power while I practice exerting control over you both at once. But I think I’m ready now. I think we’re all ready now.”

“Ready for what?” asked Jay. He and Mike looked at each other, scared.

“Ready for Space Cop.”

Mike and Jay gasped.

“That’s right. As soon as I cast the spell, we will all be in Space Cop forever, except this time I’m in starge. I mean in charge, and the star. I’ll be the star and I’ll be in charge. And I’ll have cool weapons and powers, and whenever I need to rip my shirt off I’ll look just like Len Kabasinksi, and in the fight scenes I'll have all his moves!"

Jay gulped nervously and Rich looked at him. Rich put on his Space Cop voice and said "Oh yeah, Jay. Get ready to fight me."

He turned towards Mike, who looked back at him with a mixture of betrayal, confusion, and fear.

"And as for you, Mike," he continued, "From now on you’ll be MY sidekick!”

Rich cackled the most evil cackle he had ever cackled.

“All I have to do now is the final incantation. Then we will all be in Space Cop… FOREVER!”

“NO!” cried Jay. He looked to Mike for any kind of help or guidance, but all he saw was Mike reaching into one of the many pockets on his cargo shorts.


	7. Part Seven

Rich started levitating over the Half in the Bag set, and his eyes slowly started to glow more and more red -- like dull rubies at first, and then like thick red laser-beams.

Mike and Rich were terrified of his power.

Rich opened his mouth and began the incantation:

> “Spirits and skosts, wherever you’re able,
> 
> From under the bed and beneath the chable,
> 
> From late, late at night to early in morning,
> 
> Control my captives, without any moving.”

Nothing happened.

“Was that supposed to rhyme?” asked Jay.

“Yeah, it did rhyme!” replied Rich.

“No it didn’t!” said Jay, “What was that last word? Moving?”

“No, I didn't say moving. I said warning,” said Rich, but he didn’t sound too sure.

Suddenly there was a click, as Mike held up his trusty SB7 Spirit Box -- given to him by his close, personal friend Macaulay Culkin -- and powered it on.

The sound of laughter filled the room. Not Rich’s laughter this time, but rather the mocking type of laughter from the Plinkett reviews. It was the ghosts, and they were all laughing at Rich.

“That’s stayin’ in!” said Mike, his favorite thing to say whenever Rich Evans botched his lines.

As Rich realized his incantation failed, his eyes stopped glowing and his levitation abilities ceased. He fell down onto a pile of broken VCRs and beer bottles. “OW MY GROIN,” he shouted boobishly.

Mike and Jay laughed along with all of the ghosts as Rich Evans repeatedly fell down and tried to stand up, slipping on various debris, falling down again and again.

The ghosts helpfully added sound effects via Mike's spirit box, such as clattering glass and Rich Evans own voice saying “OH MY GAWD” comically.


	8. Part Eight

Once the ghost’s laughter had mostly subsided, and Rich Evans made it back to his feet, the three men looked at each other.

“I’m sorry,” said Rich.

“No, we’re sorry,” said Jay.

“You know what we have to do,” said Mike.

The three of them stood in a circle and clasped hands.

“Fuck off, ghosts!” they all said in unison.

The Spirit Box immediately went silent.

“See, Rich? The power of our friendship is more powerful than your evil witchcraft.”

“Aw gee, I’m sorry you guys. I’ll never--” Rich started, before Mike cut him off.

“Now go reset all those beer bottles and then get into your Plinkett costume,” commanded Mike.

“What? But--”

“Rich, all your nonsense has delayed our WandaVision review by like a week. Now hurry up, and bring the rascal scooter, I want you crashing through the door in this episode.”

“But, Mike--”

“And clear your schedule for the next week because I’ll need you to build a new door for this set.”

Rich sighed.

“Because you’re gonna destroy this one,” added Mike.

“Yeah," said Rich, sounding defeated, "I know."

Jay looked on in shock as the two men walked away from him.

Had Mike reversed the spell on Rich? Was he now controlling Rich? Or was Mike just naturally really good at convincing Rich to do stupid shit? Then Jay realized that this was something he'd already been wondering for decades. He shrugged it off, knowing somehow that he would never really know.

As he walked off the Half in the Bag set, he did that corny thing from Cheers where he looked back at it sentimentally and then flipped the light-switch, but then he remembered it wasn’t a functional light-switch, so he looked around sheepishly and made sure nobody else saw, and then he just sort of awkwardly walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this entire thing in one session lmao

**Author's Note:**

> Very cool. Gotta clap.


End file.
